songs.

so, songs. i couldn't sleep, so what else was there to do besides utilize all of the extra shit that comes with my fancy cell phone? like browsing through artists and songs and listening to snipets of the good ol' days? i must have been playing with that thing for an hour, trying not to succum to ordering some gay ring tone that would eventually cause my phone to stop ringing. i did, however, find some old songs that flooded my mind with memories of yesteryear, and the depression began to seap out of my brain like piss in a full diaper. huh? anyway, suddenly i was back on ocean beach, camped in my favorite spot, just me and my headphones, the sun and the ocean. i was there almost every day- i'd take the bus, which was an adventure in itself, and get off in ocean beach, walk to a snack stand on the corner of a gas station, grab a hot dog and a fruit punch, and head to my spot. in miami, it was a blueberry muffin with the fruit punch- they taste so good on the beach for some reason! but i'd lay there with my headphones and my favorite cd, the one that cleared my head, and there was no better place on earth.

i came across another song that brought me back to the room i rented from a married couple in hillcrest. it was a lonely bedroom, and i had little privacy, being they were home all the time so i seldom had guests. but on the nights i stayed in, which were few, i dreamt of my military lover away at sea, and beckoned the gods to bring him home. everyone has a song or cd that got them through a really bad time, and i had mine, and it came to me tonight. the memories of those nights, with or without him, provoked some very dusty tears out of the attic of my mind. i just really missed those days, and haven't felt the happiness of the ocean or the longing for a lover in so, so long.

i miss being passionate about something, or someone. i miss the anticipation of a new day, like i had years ago. i miss the lack of responsibilty in my life, and the freedom. i miss being missed.

this isn't life. my life. being up to your ears in bills and being owned by your job and planning for months to spend time with your own damn family. it's all fucked up. it's not right. this sucks. i wanna sell my car and house, rent jet skis in miami, run a bed & breakfast in mexico, or cook burgers in costa rica. i could do that. let me know if you find my balls. i seem to have lost them somewhere in this town.

goodnight, my bloggers.