i hate stopping for gas. i put it off until my gas light comes on, then i curse over and over again until i must be driving on the last drop, my eyes shifting from road to little orange light, road to orange light...then eventually, there i am, in all my gas pumping glory, standing in the cold and wind, angrily watching the digital numbers on the pump fly to the heights of the universe, dollars flying out of my bank account. god forbid i must pay first, needing to use CASH, of which the last 20 numbers on the pump drip by, like a barely leaking faucet, my impatience literally killing me. i must sell the car.
and oprah. on the cover of a magazine, standing next to HERSELF, about 50 pounds lighter and 12 years ago, in a cover-story before-and-after photo. after 40 years of her public yo-yo diets, who gives a shit about her fat ass now?? YOU HAVE A PERSONAL CHEF FOR GOD'S SAKE! tell him not to make the fried twinkies for dessert again!! doesn't he cook healthy?? wouldn't you make him?? JESUS!! go pump your own gas for a change! can you squeeze a trigger??
i'm fine. i'm listening to a new cd- "healing waters" by dean evenson. the massage therapist i can't afford anymore played it once and i loved it. it has the sounds of the ocean, and you know how i love me some ocean. finally, someone who values the water as much as i do. which brings me to fortune cookies.
i've tried over and over again to figure out this quest for peace. i fight through each day trying to be at peace with my situation(s), my environment, my job...and call me stubborn, but i'm just not happy here- well, most of the time. i know how i am blessed, and am grateful for those things. but my true happiness lies within freedom from all things which bind us, and exists near the water. i need my ocean, i need my people, i need the sun. it's just not here. simple. i keep going back to the two best fortune cookies i ever got. when someone tells me "if you're not happy where you're at..." or while i'm punching a 40 hour clock and missing rare times with my family, i think of these:
ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU
NO MAN IS FREE WHO IS NOT MASTER OF HIMSELF
and i think about the beach
and the people
and my smiles
and my love for life
and my passions
and look over at my tropical island calendar hanging on the wall
next to this computer
and i put myself there
someday
and try to go to sleep because i must get up early for my job because my job pays the bills...
so goodnight, all. maybe you'll appear in my dreams. where i'm not bitching. i swear.
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