Where I'm Supposed to Be

Well, looking back on my last few posts I realized how unimportant they are. Was I speaking of myself when I said "dull, dull lives?" I think this may be closer to the truth. It doesn't matter that I have fantasies about my roommate or that my love life could use improvement. What does matter is that you know where you're supposed to be. I came to this conclusion this evening, while lying in bed next to my daughter as she slept. I can't help but marvel at the beautiful little creature before me, who so desperately needs me to accompany her while she falls into her much needed sleep, her little arm wrapped around my neck tightly as if to improve the difficulty of me trying to escape quietly out of the bed and into the living room for a quick read or a movie.
I thought back on the days of my youth, my early 20's that I more than took advantage of, and remembered times when at the end of my day I laid in bed awake wondering what I was supposed to do and where I was supposed to be. All the days spent partying, those wonderful, carefree days I spent drinking, living, laughing, drugging, loving. Yes, they, to me, were the good ol' days. But not always good nights. The nights weren't always so good. Those were the nights spent alone, usually coming down from a drug induced high and trying my best to fall asleep quickly before my uneasy thoughts consumed my mind, hitting me like a freight train. Why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be? When will I get it together?
Although some of those days I remember and consider a few of them the best days of my life, I wouldn't go back. They were fun, but hard. Looking back, they were pretty tough times. We were all so free and happy, and yet so scared and lonely. Like little birds having left the nest for the first time, saying good-bye to mommy and daddy. And there were so many of us, having left home, whether it be good or bad, and heading out in search of a better place- a place that resembled independence, happiness, and acceptance. That's when we really learned about life. We learned how to pay our own way, protect ourselves, interact with others, love and leave others. And what a beautiful thing how at that time in all of our lives, we found each other. I wonder where they all are now. What they are doing, if they have families, if any of them died. I only have a tiny picture of us I keep on my keychain, reminding me from time to time where I used to be. And my big smile was genuine.
Anyway, I am sorry if this all sounds confusing and out of place- I'm daydreaming, I guess. But back to my point. My point is that I still don't have my dream job, I take a few classes now and then to eventually get a degree, I'm not happy with what I'm doing or the city that I live in. But I do have a child- I did make that choice. It's done and I am here. We are here. There's no turning back now. And when I lay in bed next to her so she can hold me and fall asleep, I look at her perfect little face as she drifts and think to myself that this is where I'm supposed to be. It feels good and secure and makes a bad day a little better. It puts all the shitty, crazy things into perspective. And that's something. It's nice to have something. For now, this is just where I'm supposed to be.

Anyone for a drink?