Stranger Things...

Soooo, I got a new alarm clock today that sets itself as soon as you plug it in. I've been going through a stage with my alarm clocks, that is, not being satisfied with any of them. This one is my third clock since Christmas, and I think it's a keeper. But I do find it very strange that all I do is plug it in and the big, digital numbers spaz out immediately and land on the correct time. The damn thing even knew what date it was. What in the hell is out there in the world that gives off a signal so strong that it reaches the little clock radio in my bedroom?? Weird. Scary. Weird and scary.

I'm sad to say the point of this rant is not alarm clocks. It is about Vicks vapor rub. MAN, that stuff is strong. Seriously, though- it is about change. REAL, hard-core, no-turning-back change. Like a sex change operation or motherhood. Since my scheduled sex change operation isn't until March, let's focus on the topic of motherhood. HOLY SHIT. That's all I have to say... I need to get this off my hairy chest because it's a heavy flood of thoughts- mostly downer, stressful, I want to kill myself now thoughts that consume my entire being on a daily basis. I want to know- Does anyone know what they're getting into?? I've been asked a hundred times by friends and not friends "If you could go back in time and do things differently, would you?" I assume most people would expect my answer to be "NO. Are you kidding? I love my daughter and I wouldn't change a thing blablablajfhejfhwjfpqipedhk!" But deep down, WAY deep down in the darkest abyss of me, I say "YES. Yes, I love my daughter, but....." but I miss my old life. I do. Alot. And the guilt of it is overwhelming at times, but I think about my old life everyday. Old life as in "before I got pregnant" life. My good friends hear me bitch about it constantly, and they deserve a big THANK YOU for putting up with me for so long. Especially since none of them have any children of their own, because God is merciful and knew that they'd all be shitty parents. It's true. They'd admit it. But why me?

I know why. It was Halloween, year 2000, and I was wearing my "naughty nurse" costume. I was also bartending in downtown San Diego and had a little too much vodka. Looking back, I think I could have sued one or the other. There is no label on a sexy Halloween costume or a bottle of vodka that says "Could cause pregnancy- could cloud judgement and CAUSE PREGNANCY". I always said, if a woman can sue a McDonald's for a hot coffee burn, then I could sue Absolut for my pregnancy. I should be a millionaire.

Oh, back to alarm clocks. So now that my daughter has lived to see elementary school, I am awakened daily by my fucking alarm clock at 6:30AM. The school bus comes at 7:15, so I must wake up before the damn Waffle House is even open to see her off to school. I used to sleep until 11 or 12, waking up naturally and peacefully from a nice dream about Brad Pitt. Now I dream about over-sleeping, forgetting my daughter at Target, and evil bill collectors beating me with their headsets. Debt. Another joyful attribute to parenthood. How did I ever get into so much damn debt?? The house, the dog, the toys and clothes and happy meals and movies and private pre-school.....the list goes on and on. All the things you think they need to have a perfect, happy childhood- and you sacrifice your own wants, your own needs, and all of your "spare" money-for this stuff. An endless sea of needs and items, and endless days of work ahead. My weekend in New York was a rare treat to myself, and now I'm back in the grind of catching up. Will this all end upon my community college graduation?

I looked someone up on MySpace recently. A guy I used to see in San Diego. We were close and had a good relationship for a while. We were happy with each other. The chemistry was unusual and we were rarely apart. But we were the type of people who shyed away from commitments, and monogamy was never discussed. So I strayed, on several occasions, with the same man. And he was the one I was with on Halloween. Damn. Life comes at you fast. (Wasn't that from a car insurance commercial?) So I looked him up on MySpace and there he was, in many pictures, looking good and happy in them all, and there was a girl. Of course, there was a girl. It's been 6 years! 6 years and it was still hard to see him with someone else. Is it because she has my life? Would it have been me if I could go back? Is it because the pregnancy ended our relationship and not something else? Pathetic, you may think, I know. But what people don't understand is that time stopped for me then. The moment of my big change, time stopped. It went on for everyone else. In my mind, I'm still lying on the beach, still sleeping with his arms wrapped tightly around me. Physically, we move on. We have no choice. But mentally, the memories never fade. The "what if's" never stop. I have a beautiful, healthy, smart little girl. Life is as good as it can be for me, considering my circumstances. I am grateful. I should be happy.

So as I type, I glance at a picture of me taken in Miami. I'm standing next to a bum in a wheelchair. He is wearing a tye-died t-shirt that reads "PEACE" and a paper hat covered in cut-outs of bikini clad women. My arm is around him and I have the biggest smile ever. He does too. What a great picture. I was 21. The picture is next to a rock I took from a beach in San Diego. I took the rock to remind me of that night.

So. How do I conclude this story. I still don't know. My life now? It couldn't be more different. I went from no responsibility to all the responsibilty in the world. My youth is slowly slipping away and it's hard to let go. But as for the days ahead, I'm hoping for another picture like the one in front of me. I'm waiting. As for me now, I don't feel complete unless my daughter is here, next to me, asleep in my bed. That's something. That's what I have now and all is good. I do, however, forsee a mid-life crisis at 40.