SICK BITCH, PART 1

AAAAhhhhhhhh!!! I'm sick. Really fuckin' sick. I had been fighting a mild sore throat for about a week, then woke up the other day ready to die. My throat was swolen, my nose was stuffy, my body was weak, I had a headache and the chills. I tried calling into work but it didn't happen. I worked for 7 hours in a hot, smoke filled bar. On the bright side, I lost my voice and couldn't talk to those assholes. But when I got home, all hell broke loose. By the time I got in the door, I could barely stand or BREATHE for that matter. What is it with us that when we're sick, we regress back to babies and cry for our mommies or lovers or blow-up dolls? I called my raw foodist roommate (let's call him Rawboy) at work with the last bit of voice I could muster up. "Hey" I said when he answered the phone.

"Wow, you sound like shit".

That's all it took.
I wailed. "WWWAAAAAHHHBBLLLAAAAAGGRRRFFFFSHNF! I think I'm dying! You don't understand!" At home together, we barely speak. Now I needed him to save my life. Give me a carrot. Give me anything.

"Do you want me to bring you something?"

(crying) "I don't know what I need.... can you get me some of that apple juice? And if you're not afraid of the medicine isle, some Theraflu? Nighttime, not daytime."

"Ok. I'll be getting out of here soon."

"byeeeeee........waaaaahhhhhh......"

As I waited for him to get home, I laid on the couch and cried for someone to take care of me. I acted like a baby and I didn't care. As a matter of fact, Rawboy made a comment about me crying and I said "I don't fucking care!"

So Rawboy comes to my aide, with the goods and a movie. How sweet. How heroic. He even made my cup of Theraflu. We sat on the couch together watching a movie, blowing our noses all night. But there was something missing that I really needed. AFFECTION, GODDAMMIT! I really needed affection. A companion to hold my sick ass and rub my damn back. When our health is good, we don't need anyone. When we're sick, we can't stand to be alone. Or is it just me?

The next day Rawboy and I decided to stay in and watch movies with our Theraflu and organic hot tea- boiled, not microwaved, of course. He began his ritual of juicing everything in the kitchen he could possibly juice. He brings me a cup of green liquid and says "This is the healthiest thing you'll ever put in your body".

"Besides your penis?"

the end.