4am

so. it's 4 am and i had just lied down to go to bed, when i thought, "i owe you and myself a blog entry." I have forgotten about my blog, with the busyness of life along with my mild depression, or laziness, or lack of motivation- who knows. i don't know what my problem is. i think it's my job. someone said to me tonight that you should have a few part-time jobs- that a full-time job owns you. and in my case, it does. it has taken over my life, and there is nothing left for me. my neck and shoulders were aching so bad, i sat in front of my t.v. and did yoga at 4 in the morning. if you know me, i won't be doing yoga, and not at 4 in the morning. but i needed to do something to relax my muscles before i ripped them out of my body. if i were oprah winfrey, i would not only be crying on everyone's shoulder, but i would have a live-in massage therapist- one that rubbed me ALL the time, and made me very healthy meals, and forced me to work out, like a personal trainer. then i'd look like jessica alba, and the world would be a better place. oh, wait- i had one of those- it didn't work out.

so- the moral of this post is that i need to reclaim my life back. and i'm not sure if that's possible as long as i work like i do. i need to work for myself- be my own boss. the best fortune cookie i ever got read, "no man is free who is not master of himself." i still have it and it reminds me of what i need to do- get into porn. no, it reminds me to use the experiences i go through now to eventually get to that place. make my own schedule. make the rules. make enough money. take care of myself first.

i'm trying not to drink, and it's been almost 2 months now. it's strange what a big deal it is- not drinking and keeping the same circle of friends. alcohol is the driving force behind many of my relationships. it's been really hard, and i've given in to the drink a few times since. i've landed myself into a state of confusion, and i've begun lying to my friends and to myself. i'm turning into a sober fraud, and i need to do a bit more soul searching. i need to figure my shit out, get my shit together, and give up the shit that keeps me down. my neck feels alot better now, thanks to my corny yoga dvd and all the stretching. the yoga video was for beginners, but i think i need one for beginning beginners. it was pretty sad. but, i need to keep working at it instead of avoiding it. i need jerry springer to inspire me with a final thought.

i don't know. but i'll keep you informed.

yours forever, (and good night)