CHICKEN SHIT.

so, can somebody tell me why i'm so fucking scared to be myself? ok- that sounds a little lame. but really. i walk around so fucking terrified to do what i want to do. too scared to be where i want to be. jesus, i found myself on the couch just needing to breathe deeply because my back was caving in. i thought about how every day for me here is the same. how i haven't been able to find anything as calming to me as the ocean. how when i think about how beautiful life is i think about california. i sometimes look around my house and think about selling it all. getting an over-priced apartment that won't kill my dog. i think about having a shitty day at work and coming home to sit here and vent and do it all again tomorrow. then i think about having a shitty day at work and coming home to put my flip flops on and head to the beach to unwind. wow. feet in the sand. hands in the sand. the sun. where's the fucking sun?

holy shit. this can't be it. i need to make some decisions here. i asked god for help. really. i haven't felt that compelled to pray in a long time. i gotta be desperate. sad, isn't it? am i the only one who feels like every decision is wrong?? this job i'm in is like working in a trash compactor. i feel like my 4 walls are closing in on me and death is right around the corner. before i know it, i'll be living in a nursing home with a view of a broken down swimming pool. i gotta make a move. right? whatever. i'm going to sleep. SO glad tomorrow's sunday.

IN HONOR OF MONA

christ. here i am at 4:30 in the morning. yep. watched 4 hours of my favorite show, six feet under. drank one beer. lit some incense. some candles. sat on the floor and pet my dog- (who may be dead.) put in a yoga video after that. tired. it looked like a bad porn. a bleached blonde named lisa with big tits and a guy who appeared to be michael bolten in a leotard. i just did the poses my body easily allowed me to. stretched the back a bit. now i'm talking to you. or me. or the computer. anyway, so i'm sitting there watching my show and i swear to you, there's something up with that show. there's no way that many people, as in the ones who create and produce this show, can be that damn brilliant. there's just no way. maybe scattered around the earth, but not all together to write and direct this one show. seriously- you need to watch it. trust me. just pure brilliance. i'm in awe of it. i mean, i don't watch tv or tv sitcoms or even the news. i especially wouldn't buy the complete set of all 5 seasons and watch it AGAIN. but i did. when i was rich and had HBO, i started watching it and it sucked me in. i even cried during the last episode. call me crazy. i felt like my best friend just died. i had no one to come home to anymore. now i can sleep with a dvd under my pillow and have sweet dreams of waking up to yet another episode. oh, if only you little people understood.

For the Most Part,

people are assholes. i have a few friends that are generally kind hearted and would probably never utter a cross word to my face, but for the most part, people are assholes. why, after all these years, am i still slightly surprised when someone i call my friend suddenly turns against me, turning into a complete schizophrenic freak? weird. i'll never know. but the ones that have these freaky episodes are also very lonely people. probably because they can't contain the asshole within. i think that old tv show "the hulk" was like that. it was about some weird white guy, who most people perceived as normal, until someone set him off. but instead of just freaking out and being a dick, he morphed into this huge, green monster-guy, with big muscles and destroyed shit. wonder why they chose green. i mean, they could have chosen black. or pink. i wonder what the critics would've said if the hulk was pink. maybe i should create a gay spin-off of the hulk, only make him pink and call him "the hunk." every time he got a bad blow job, he'd get pissed off and destroy shit- i'd keep that the same. but my show would have higher ratings because all the gays would watch it. and to be successful, you need their support.

How to Waste an Hour (in honor of Brigette)

1. open my laptop.

2. wait for damn thing to come on.

3. enter password.

4. wait for damn yahoo web page to appear.

5. check my facebook with shame.

6. think about responding to people.

7. switch to my blog to remember latest story or see if brigette read the latest one.

8. sit in front of computer for the remaining 40 minutes,talking myself into pulling up my checking account to see what's left.

yep, that's about my hour every day.

Dillusion.

you seduced me
used me
squeezed me and juiced me
we stood up and fought
called it a truce
we-

you. looked into my eyes

you. taught to deceive
gifted your tears
and made me believe
we

could do this
could chew this
but
too often said screw this

can't do this

i'm dying and you-

There's nothing you have that I need.

Breathe.

There's nothing you have that I need.


we.
lied to ourselves
warped the paths paved
now truth has arrived
these destinies saved


we denied us joy
we denied us life
we denied us freedom
i saw me in you

and you.

on the day that i die
my heart's resurrection
this longing. the longing
poses a question- we.

It's not do I believe in love

It's does love believe in me.

There's nothing you have that I need.

Breathe.

There's nothing you have that I need.

BLESSING IN DISGUISE.

it was a blessing in disguise because I was fooling myself into believing it may last. it was a blessing in disguise because I needed to do some things for myself. it was a blessing in disguise because it was hurting my family. it was a blessing in disguise because i needed to write. it was a blessing in disguise because i needed to read. it was a blessing in disguise because i needed to be more responsible. it was a blessing in disguise because i needed to be respected. it was a blessing in disguise because deep down i was unhappy. it was a blessing in disguise because i wasn't treated right. it was a blessing in disguise because i was ashamed. it was a blessing in disguise because it was holding me back. it was a blessing in disguise because it made me not like who i was. it was a blessing in disguise because i couldn't be myself. but with it i sometimes laughed. with it i sometimes cried and it felt good. with it i'd sometimes think about life and appreciate it a little more. with it i got to share my thoughts and views. and with it i sometimes felt happier. and with it i wasn't alone. but it was still, without a doubt, a blessing in disguise. i needed to let it go. i needed to change.