Denial...river in...what???

Well, I suppose I'll have many a post on the subject of DENIAL, but this is my first. I'm in denial about how lonely I am. SOOOO many times I wanted to kick Rawboy into the stratosphere and out of my house, but the little guy just won't budge. He likes it here, for reasons that MUST have to do with the yard and off street parking..... God knows no one else out there could stand the nightly visits from my mother and the annoyances of my child. The fact that Rawboy just doesn't want to leave turns me on even more, or shall I say, makes me like him a little more. He is a strange one for sure, and now that he's gone on his fantastic voyage to the Bahamas, I have come to terms with some repressed feelings and thoughts that I've kept hidden from him and myself. Maybe I don't want to live alone after all. And-

I don't want him to see me fail.

Fail at losing weight, fail at my job, fail at paying my fucking mortgage, fail as a mother, fail as a dog owner, WHATEVER. And why do I care?? I'm not sure. I certainly don't give two shits what other people think about me, or at least I don't act like it. Rawboy lives in my private space, my sanctuary, within my walls and my roof where I go without make-up, cry for no reason, dress like a bum, feel sad and depressed, hopeless and scared. He sees it all. I've had serious relationships where I've never been so exposed. Why am I so terrified to let my guard down? Especially in front of a guy who shops at THREE different stores for one fucking recipe?? A guy who tells me to juice the KALE before it goes bad??

So. The denial. I'm lonely without him. I miss him. The failing thing. Yeah.

His trip was only one week, but it was hard to see him go. As I hugged him goodbye at the gate, I pressed my nose against his neck to remind me of his smell, as if we were to never see each other again. I mean, you never know. I swear if he saw a cucumber floating in the sea he would jump overboard to try and save it. Then he wouldn't want to hurt the sharks that were tearing into his size 28 waist.

I'm glad he's on this trip. He deserves it. He needs it. Another great experience to add to the few he's had in his short life. Jealousy aside, I hope he had a great one night stand. I know I would, on a cruise, out in the middle of nowhere...

Well, I feel like I can go now. Go to sleep and wake up for an 8 o'clock yard sale and some breakfast with my dad, who's in town for the weekend. It helps the time to go by faster in anticipation for Rawboy's return. The dog needs to be walked.

Your Creemster,