The Joy of Sex- OOPS!! I mean Cooking

Well, hello readers. This post is about cooking. Or lack, thereof. I've been slaving away all these grueling years making Kraft Macaroni and Cheez, PBJ's, instant grits, Lean Cuisine meals, and hot dogs. So why the fuck can't I poach an EGG??? There are mornings (or afternoons) when I wake up and crave a delicious brunch of poached eggs with hollandaise, country ham (or rare steak), 2 beautifully prepared potato cakes, and perfectly grilled asparagus. Oh, and the mimosa, of course. Ok, five mimosas. Anyway, I spend tons of money on weekends "brunching it up" at various fan bars in search of my dreamy meal. But now that I have this roommate who actually cooks his own meals, I began to get curious about how a stove actually works. Rawboy, the roomie, is a fan of the local public library, who I have not visited in a while because I owe money for an overdue, crappy movie. So after I vented my frustrations about these rare poached eggs that I absolutely must have for brunch, Rawboy went to the library and checked out several (very thick) cookbooks. Needless to say, we began the tumultuous journey of the perfectly poached motherfucking egg.

So, I put off the conclusion to this story because of a storm. I was afraid my computer would crash in the middle of all this, and my readers would never know how to poach an egg. It's several days later, and no more storm. Just grey, depressing days. Grey days with a bong and red wine. So here's what happened-

My girlfriend, Deidra, came by and the three of us (Rawboy included) stood over the stove with a pot of boiling water and a carton of eggs. Rawboy and I took turns poaching, placing the misfit eggs in a bowl. Poor little retarded eggs. I had to photograph these eggs, for I am doing a small documentary on the progress of my cooking, now and in the future. Look out for my post on "Hummus"- it will be a good read, with a tutorial and pictures. There will also be 9 paragraphs dedicated to soaking chickpeas overnight, dried chickpeas versus canned chickpeas, and as a bonus, how to identify a food processor in your kitchen. Anyway, your writer is exhausted and emotionally drained this evening, so I will retire now to my uncomfortable bed. Unfortunately tonight, Rawboy has not invited me into his.

Sweet dreams, my little cookers.