6.

dear father- it's been 6 months since i last posted. what a terrible sin. this only tells me one thing. or two. i have no time and i must be stressed. very.

i wanted to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, but only worry-less people can do that. i was always amazed at how my cousin could fall asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. i remember wondering if she had any fucking problems. i did. and we were kids then. anyway, who am i kidding? it takes an act of god for me to fall asleep quickly, unless prescription drugs are involved. i just wanted to get my thoughts on paper, or computer, rather, and out of my fat head. i spoke to a friend recently who was a fan of my blog and he said that he doesn't even check it anymore. maybe that's because i haven't posted in 6 months. wow. alot has happened since then. we need to catch up.

after coming to the realization that my very shitty mortgage company (First Horizon)wasn't willing to modify my loan, i made some cut-backs. i cancelled my internet service, my home phone, and the gym membership i never used, changed my car insurance provider, intentionally over-fed my beta fish, and ate less sushi. i did, however, get another dog to make myself feel better about it all. i avoided any contact with rawboy, and pretty much avoided men in general. i just don't like any in this town and i'm convinced i never will. if you live here, i hate you.
also, i've been praying to my god to get me another job before i kill myself. i wasn't actively looking, but every night i said to myself "god pleeeeease....get me another job....!" and guess what?? he did. yes, i expect things to just fall into my lap effortlessly, and sometimes they just do. like my new job. which pays alot more with half the stress. i start monday. yay! now my mortgage will only be ONE month behind!

well, speaking of god, christmas is coming up. i was smart and got all of my daughter's presents early. i just couldn't imagine fighting the minivans and single mom's fatter than me in stone washed jeans in the walmart parking lot. thank god for target. never lets me down. let the toy-pulling, parking space fighting, pizza line pushing begin- without me. speaking of grease, i'm fat.
you know, every year i tell myself that i'm going to lose weight, and every year i'm fatter. they need a reality show similar to Intervention, but about food. i can see it now- i'm sitting in a private room surrounded by friends and family, and all i want to do is hit a chik-fil-a. what's most embarassing, though, is that every time my baby daddy comes to visit (which is twice a year), i'm fatter. all THAT does is validate his judgements about me and becoming a fat mom. ew. fat. i never thought i'd be oprah. rich people have no excuse to be fat, with their private chefs and personal trainers. i don't get it. BUT nobody's perfect. not even tiger woods. that slut.

so i'm on a quest to give myself the affordable extreme make-over. all it takes is a nice tan, a year in the gym, and braces. porcelin, not metal. move over j.lo, i'm gonna be kim kardashian. or maybe courtney without the hideous boyfriend.

i'll do my best to keep my loyal readers up to date on my progress, and i'll try to stick to my new year's resolutions- gym, tan, teeth, less cellphone. so don't call me.

xoxoxoxo