Plop, plop. Fizz, fizz.

oh, what a relief it is. bullshit. there IS no relief. at least not tonight. i can't sleep, so i may as well write to all of you people. all 2 of you. the rest are weirdos with a sick, guilty pleasure to read my blog. tonight, i can't seem to get it together. i keep getting out of bed to read, or to take more miscellaneous pills, of which the supply is dwindling down to nothing, and none of them seem to have much effect on me anymore anyway. i need a refresher, my own shit, now that i have a necessary evil we call health insurance, which we use primarily for drugs and birth control. for christmas this year, i asked santa for lunesta and xanax.

i'm not a religious person, but tonight i prayed. totally against my will, gritting my teeth, clenching my fists, struggling with the words- prayed. there are just some things i feel i need in my life now, like peace and joy. and goodwill towards men. whatever. i prayed for peace, joy, the ocean, a house on the water so i could hear the waves crash over and over again, every day and night. i picture myself in this house, with a large, wrap around porch, where i wear my long, warm robe and hold a hot cup of coffee in my hands, looking out into the endless sea, and reflecting upon my successful life, hopefully before my parents die. and right now i'm in the middle of community college and a job that owns me. no equity in my house due to the shitty economy. no light at the end of the tunnel- yet. it took a while for those pictures of obama to kick in, the ones that say "hope." i get it now. we all need some fucking hope, and really, he is, at this point, our only hope at getting our shit straight. our only hope, like that guy in star wars. who was that guy? jaba the hut? no- he wasn't the hope. he was the giant glob of phlegm that wanted to molest princess leah. right? anyway, you know what i mean. got hope? does anyone know where yoda is now? wwyd? or dwwy?

look. what i wouldn't give to get on a damn plane right now and fly to some tropical destination. no plans. no return ticket. just a nice hotel with massages and room service. lobster. a sip of champagne. and soft slippers. ocean view. warm, humid breezes. mmmmmm...... i ask for an island calendar every christmas so i can look at each month's picture and dream about being there. the best one was a hammock over the white sand, shaded in between two palm trees, right next to the water. i'm lying on that hammock and smiling, in peace, and happy. my daughter is bringing me margueritas and gutting the fish that she caught in the ocean with a spear. how talented she is! like tarzan. without all the monkeys. and that blonde whore. yes, a hammock and the ocean. too much to ask? i know! i'll write the tom cruise fan club and ask how he did it in that movie "cocktail." what was the name of that bar? i don't know, but it was pretty gay. oh, "cocktails and dreams". all the dicks in "cheers" had cocktails and dreams- look where it got them. fat with more cocktails. i bet tom cruise never got fat- jumping up and down off of oprah's couch all the time. so maybe it worked for him.

well, i'm glad i had a chance to lift your spirits tonight, or today. check back in for another good dose of optimism. you'll need it to start the day, for christ's sake! i love you guys...

Living in the NOW, for christs' sake!

should i have capitalized "christ?" jesus. i have found that i can't enjoy my weekends because of my inability to sit back, relax, and enjoy the moment. i spend all weekend dreading the dawn of monday, the beginning of a new work-week, and that 5 day daily grind of waking up at the crack of 6:45, throwing the kid on the bus, then angriliy moping to the shower to get ready for work. and work. i admit it. i just don't wanna friggin work. and if i do, it's gotta be on MY terms. not someone else's. how the hell do i do that? the smart ones planned this way in advance, and work for themselves. i need to sleep late to survive. period.

so, hence the title "living in the now." i could spend 14 hours in a barnes and noble looking for the answer to my question. or i could ask a friend. or better yet, a friend who does YOGA! yeah! those guys know all the answers. there's a reason why yoga instructors are so damn calm and laid back. i'm in the wrong field. my new plan is to practice touching my toes without bending my knees, then raising my arms straight in the air without bending my elbows, then sitting on the floor and pulling my legs behind my head, over my shoulders, and placing them on the floor behind me, all the while keeping my fat ass firmly planted on the ground. then the answer may come to me. it must be hidden way down in the tissue of my tight ass muscles.

so you can't change the past and you can't change the future. you can only act upon the present. and freaking out, losing your breath, and stressing over tomorrow is pointless. right?? easier said than done. is there a pill out there that stops future thoughts? or present ones?

allah, budda, britney- i need your help. help me to stop obsessing over my crappy job and mondays. help me to enjoy today, or at least my two days off per week. and help me to be jobless, live on the beach, and sleep in.

until next weekend,

4am

so. it's 4 am and i had just lied down to go to bed, when i thought, "i owe you and myself a blog entry." I have forgotten about my blog, with the busyness of life along with my mild depression, or laziness, or lack of motivation- who knows. i don't know what my problem is. i think it's my job. someone said to me tonight that you should have a few part-time jobs- that a full-time job owns you. and in my case, it does. it has taken over my life, and there is nothing left for me. my neck and shoulders were aching so bad, i sat in front of my t.v. and did yoga at 4 in the morning. if you know me, i won't be doing yoga, and not at 4 in the morning. but i needed to do something to relax my muscles before i ripped them out of my body. if i were oprah winfrey, i would not only be crying on everyone's shoulder, but i would have a live-in massage therapist- one that rubbed me ALL the time, and made me very healthy meals, and forced me to work out, like a personal trainer. then i'd look like jessica alba, and the world would be a better place. oh, wait- i had one of those- it didn't work out.

so- the moral of this post is that i need to reclaim my life back. and i'm not sure if that's possible as long as i work like i do. i need to work for myself- be my own boss. the best fortune cookie i ever got read, "no man is free who is not master of himself." i still have it and it reminds me of what i need to do- get into porn. no, it reminds me to use the experiences i go through now to eventually get to that place. make my own schedule. make the rules. make enough money. take care of myself first.

i'm trying not to drink, and it's been almost 2 months now. it's strange what a big deal it is- not drinking and keeping the same circle of friends. alcohol is the driving force behind many of my relationships. it's been really hard, and i've given in to the drink a few times since. i've landed myself into a state of confusion, and i've begun lying to my friends and to myself. i'm turning into a sober fraud, and i need to do a bit more soul searching. i need to figure my shit out, get my shit together, and give up the shit that keeps me down. my neck feels alot better now, thanks to my corny yoga dvd and all the stretching. the yoga video was for beginners, but i think i need one for beginning beginners. it was pretty sad. but, i need to keep working at it instead of avoiding it. i need jerry springer to inspire me with a final thought.

i don't know. but i'll keep you informed.

yours forever, (and good night)