Resistance.

"I can't do it. I just can't do it," I said. "Yes, you can", said Nate. "I think my parents have beat me down just enough to keep me here," I said. "I mean, I try to tell myself to be motivated. I try to tell myself I can do it. I try to better myself, eat better, work out more, write more- and I just don't. I can't. I don't like myself. I don't like who I've become. I hate looking at myself. I can't seem to shake it." "But you're not that person. And you can do those things," said Nate. "I know you can."
"I grew up with a mom who only told me what I can't do. 'You can't do this. You can't do that.' My parents never cared what I did. I never had anyone to back me up as a child. Back me up in school. They weren't around. I mean, they didn't protect me when I was little. A little girl. I was one of five. By the time I came around, they just didn't give a shit anymore. What kinda shit is that? I just don't get it." Nate looked at me with those eyes. He didn't say anything. He has the most amazing eyes. I like to cup his face in my hands and rub my thumbs along his high cheek bones. Just staring into his eyes. He's a good listener. He always has been. I like that about him.

short stories

patience. it doesn't exist in my world. if you're in front of me, get the fuck out of my way. i can't seem to get a grip on it. control it. the driver's seat of my car is a haven for anxiety. MOVE! christ.
the grocery store. can't do it. i can't walk up and down the isles slowly dodging other people and their kids and their carts. the indecisiveness of it all. the SLOWNESS of it all. standing in the checkout line. forget it.


what did she think of me? i just said "hello". she gave me a look. a look of disgust. as if she were scared of me even from a distance. before i even spoke. is it my clothes? can people see through me? do they know where i've been? what i've done? is my face posted somewhere? fuck. gimme a fuckin' break. i hate this shit. i hate people. that stupid bitch. i was treated better in lock up. respected. i'm not respected out here. people don't give a fuck.
i don't wanna be here. i don't wanna be here.

Time for Change, part 3

i'll get back to you....