yo.

i'm still here. just not ready to write yet. my apologies. i'm blank like this big white screen. and i'm alone cuz i feel like nobody's good enough. then i look in the mirror. there was a good line from a rap song i heard recently- "nobody hates you more than your reflection." anyway, he's right. how did we get to hate ourselves so much? or is it just me? who knows. it's all one big mind fuck. this life. with alot of color and beauty.

yours,

it's about time.

well, my loyal blogettes- i really don't have anything to say. or rather, i just don't feel like blogging lately. i'll leave last minute what i'm doing right now lines on facebook, but other than that, i've been feeling exhausted and my inspiration to tell you more stories has fizzled out like the seldom cleaned fryer at the waffle house. sorry- i'll probably jump back on in full force after i score some good anti-depressants.

love to you all, and happy mothers day to me, biatches.
-dyva

brilliance.

ok. i feel like a dumbass posting this somewhat trivial post, but please. trust me. yes, trust me. if you know what's good for you, you will. so you know all those assholes out there that keep blabbering on and on about the show "lost?" well, they need to quit their jobs at denny's and smell the roses. the most brilliant show ever created on any network, on the planet for that matter, was "six feet under." i'm not one of those crazy people who watched every episode of every lame citcom on tv. no. but i did look forward to my six feet under on HBO when i got home from work. maybe it's because i want to make movies myself, but the characters were brilliant. the acting was brilliant. the plot was brilliant. every single episode of that whole fucking show was pure brilliance. and the artistic aspect of it all! just fucking brilliant. the soundtrack. aaahhhh...you have no idea. i got sucked in and hypnotised and brainwashed all at the same time. i cried during the last episode of the last season like my dog just died. the end of my six feet under left me empty and incomplete. how could they all leave me like that? i needed them. they were my family!! christ. bring me a bottle of cheap white wine. and make it chardonnay. they even threw in a gay couple. keith and david. god, i miss them. where my gays at?? come back! i need you.

anyway, please buy the complete set. cuz if you rent it, you'll want to own it anyway. good. do what i say. and quit telling me every time you wipe your ass on facebook.

uuuhhhhh #2

hey. does anyone out there want to hire me to do something and pay me at least 40k? i'm getting burnt out entertaining seniors. i think one year of calling bingo and leading 50's karaoke is enough. please let me know.... PLEASE! i'll start in june. and i'll need to bring my dog. thanks.

restaurant owners need not apply.

MJH

Dear Missy,

I'm sorry about your mother. I'm sorry you grew up without your mom and dad. I wish things were different for you. I know it was hard. Thank you for the sleepovers, for the mac & cheese, the big glass of milk, the laughs. All the times you made me laugh. There were so many. Living with you was so much fun. Sharing make-up and clothes, our boy stories and battle scars. Listening to Alice in Chains in the morning while you took 3 hours to get ready. Playing spades in the middle of the night, making fun of people on tv. We had the same sense of humor. You had the most beautiful smile. We were so young and rebellious. We had so much fun. And then he came.

He came into your life, this force of evil, this man born and placed on a path that crossed yours and sealed your fate. Why didn't you make him go away. Why. It could've been so simple. And now you're dead. You're dead.

I wish you called. You always called. I wish I went to see you last month. I wish you tried harder with me. I could never tell you no. I wish you would've called. I wish you grew up happy. I wish he never met you. And there wouldn't have been another. Not like him. I wish you had the strength to make him go away. I thought you did before he met you. I thought you did. But now it's all over- all the pain, all the tears, all the fear. Your scars are gone, your arms are smooth. You can start over. Next time. And I'll see your daughter again someday. And I'll tell her all the wonderful things about you and how much fun we had when we were young. I'll tell her lots of things. I'll make sure she understands. I loved you. I'll be missing you. More than you know.

So.

aaarrrggghhhhh.....a loyal blog reader of mine said i'm too depressing. if i don't start saying something happy, then they'll stop reading my blog. fuck you. fucker.


SO! i'm happy! ok?? can't you tell? i didn't even have a nervous breakdown at kroger today! AND it was a new one, and i didn't know where shit was! but i was patient and found my shit! ok?? and there was only 1 checkout line with a human on it! ok?? and i didn't even complain or break a sweat! so FUCK YOU and your happiness. ok??

what if i'm ADD? or have a chemical imbalance in my depressing brain that i can't control? what if i'm fighting clinical depression and don't know it?? are you racist against people that aren't looking HAPPY? you fucking racist. happy bitch. i'll show you happy. let me put on my happy glove.

well, i'm tired and need to get some sleep to get up in the morning for a job that has nothing to do with what i want to really do. unless i can make a porno there. hey! seniors in porn! and seniors can get a senior discount on the videos! i'll open up shop with an early bird special! i'll patent something that turns your dentures into a sex toy! i'll turn polydent into a lubricant! i bet there's a market for that.
gunnite!

CHICKEN SHIT.

so, can somebody tell me why i'm so fucking scared to be myself? ok- that sounds a little lame. but really. i walk around so fucking terrified to do what i want to do. too scared to be where i want to be. jesus, i found myself on the couch just needing to breathe deeply because my back was caving in. i thought about how every day for me here is the same. how i haven't been able to find anything as calming to me as the ocean. how when i think about how beautiful life is i think about california. i sometimes look around my house and think about selling it all. getting an over-priced apartment that won't kill my dog. i think about having a shitty day at work and coming home to sit here and vent and do it all again tomorrow. then i think about having a shitty day at work and coming home to put my flip flops on and head to the beach to unwind. wow. feet in the sand. hands in the sand. the sun. where's the fucking sun?

holy shit. this can't be it. i need to make some decisions here. i asked god for help. really. i haven't felt that compelled to pray in a long time. i gotta be desperate. sad, isn't it? am i the only one who feels like every decision is wrong?? this job i'm in is like working in a trash compactor. i feel like my 4 walls are closing in on me and death is right around the corner. before i know it, i'll be living in a nursing home with a view of a broken down swimming pool. i gotta make a move. right? whatever. i'm going to sleep. SO glad tomorrow's sunday.

IN HONOR OF MONA

christ. here i am at 4:30 in the morning. yep. watched 4 hours of my favorite show, six feet under. drank one beer. lit some incense. some candles. sat on the floor and pet my dog- (who may be dead.) put in a yoga video after that. tired. it looked like a bad porn. a bleached blonde named lisa with big tits and a guy who appeared to be michael bolten in a leotard. i just did the poses my body easily allowed me to. stretched the back a bit. now i'm talking to you. or me. or the computer. anyway, so i'm sitting there watching my show and i swear to you, there's something up with that show. there's no way that many people, as in the ones who create and produce this show, can be that damn brilliant. there's just no way. maybe scattered around the earth, but not all together to write and direct this one show. seriously- you need to watch it. trust me. just pure brilliance. i'm in awe of it. i mean, i don't watch tv or tv sitcoms or even the news. i especially wouldn't buy the complete set of all 5 seasons and watch it AGAIN. but i did. when i was rich and had HBO, i started watching it and it sucked me in. i even cried during the last episode. call me crazy. i felt like my best friend just died. i had no one to come home to anymore. now i can sleep with a dvd under my pillow and have sweet dreams of waking up to yet another episode. oh, if only you little people understood.